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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Okay, the reason why men say hot girl at, like, 12 o'clock or 3 o'clock, is to specify a location using the clock face as a kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you wear a digital watch. Second of all, it doesn't matter; the clock face is imaginary.
Jake: Then how do you know what time you saw the girl?
Charlie: Oh, my God!

Jake: (about Charlie) Why is he dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Dr. Freeman: Why don't we talk about your current relationship?
Charlie: Linda? Well, let's see. She's a municipal court judge.
Dr. Freeman: Oh, very impressive.
Charlie: Thank you.
Dr. Freeman: I meant for her, Charlie.

Alan: Oh, Linda, hi.
Linda: Hi, Alan. I'm sorry to show up unannounced, but Charlie hasn't been answering his cell phone and I wanted to make sure he's OK.
Alan: Charlie's fine. We have a pharmacy that delivers.

Jake: Do you play volleyball?
Linda: No, do you?
Jake: No, I just like to watch them jump up and down.

Alan: Berta, have you seen Charlie?
Berta: He's not in his bed?
Alan: No.
Berta: Passed out on the bathroom floor?
Alan: No.
Berta: Rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?
Jake: No.
Berta: Well, that just leaves the bars, hospitals, and jails. I'll go get the Yellow Pages.

Charlie: London certainly agrees with you, Rose. You look beautiful.
Rose: I just can't believe you're here.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I wanted you to know, I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, I miss you.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, I miss you, too.
Charlie: Are you seeing anybody?
Rose: Actually, I am seeing someone, but I'm not really sure where it's going yet.
Charlie: To be honest, there is one lady I've been dating. She's actually my own age!
Rose: No!
Charlie: Yeah, but my therapist says she's not good for me.

(To Rose) You always loved me for who I am instead of for who I could be, which is wonderful. And let's face it, we both love who I am.

Charlie

Rose: You can't expect me to go back to what we had without a commitment.
Charlie: "A commitment"?
Rose: I think we should get married.
Charlie: "Married"?
Rose: Sell the house in Malibu and move to a kid-friendly neighborhood here in London.
Charlie: Kids?
Rose: We're going to have kids, aren't we?

Charlie: She looks like Rose!
Alan: It couldn't be, she's still in England, right?
Charlie: Last I heard.
Jake: I got a postcard from her the other day.
Charlie: Really, what did it say?
Jake: Uh, well, let's see. "Dear Jake, How are you? I'm fine. Hope you're doing well in school. Ha, ha." I think that's a joke 'cause she knows I struggle with my grades. Let's see, what else. Oh, yeah. "Say 'hello from England' for everybody." Hello, from England.

Charlie: Why do I keep thinking I see her?
Jake: Maybe you miss her.
Charlie: I don't think so. I was a little down when she left, which is to be expected, but I've got Linda now. I moved on. And what the hell am I doing talking to you about my personal life?
Jake: Cause I'm a good listener? Cause you have no other friends? Ha, ha.

Jake: I started algebra.
Alan: Oh, really? How do you like it?
Jake: Eh, I don't get it at all, but the teacher's really hot.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Yeah, she's got some really great racks.
Alan: Um, don't you mean "rack"?
Jake: No, she's got two, and they're ginormous!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 13 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 4 Quotes

Jake: I started algebra.
Alan: Oh, really? How do you like it?
Jake: Eh, I don't get it at all, but the teacher's really hot.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Yeah, she's got some really great racks.
Alan: Um, don't you mean "rack"?
Jake: No, she's got two, and they're ginormous!

Alan: Oh, hey, how was Santa Barbara?
Jake: Santa Barbra? It's Spanish for "city of great racks."

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