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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: She's a fascinating woman: she's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA.....
Charlie: Oh, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: Of course, it makes a big difference. The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass.
Alan: You know, I'm already regretting this.

Alan: I can't believe it, you're nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous. What am I going to talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since I was in high school!

(to Charlie) It's possible you might enjoy your dates more if you went out with women who were capable of using their head for something other than a place to rest their ankles.

Alan

Alan: Oh, there they are.
Charlie: Hang on, hang on, which one's mine?
Alan: The one on the right.
Charlie: Wow! She's forty? She has the ears of a twenty-year-old.

Linda: Old friend?
Charlie: Oh, yeah! You know, church choir, bake sale. You may not want to drink the ice tea.

Yeah, hi, Linda, it's Charlie again. I just want you to know this will be my last message. I figured three's a charm, four is a restraining order. (Laughs) Look who I'm telling.

Charlie

Berta: What's this broad got that's so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you going to do with a brain?
Charlie: It doesn't matter, she'll never call me.
Berta: Awww! Don't talk like that. Just because she's smart and successful doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.

Linda: Please, tell me you did not get yourself arrested just so you can see me?
Charlie: Ummm! You got me.
Linda: Charlie, what am I going to do with you?
Charlie: Have dinner with me? Otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree here.
Linda: Alright, one dinner. Now, step back.
Charlie: (whispering) Yes, ma'am.
Linda: How do you plead?
Charlie: Guilty, your Honor.
Linda: Is this your first offense?
Charlie: Yes, your Honor.
Linda: Alright, $500.
Charlie: $500? Last time....
Linda: "Last time?"
Charlie: Thank you, your Honor.

Displaying all 8 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 3 Quotes

Berta: What's this broad got that's so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you going to do with a brain?
Charlie: It doesn't matter, she'll never call me.
Berta: Awww! Don't talk like that. Just because she's smart and successful doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.

Linda: Please, tell me you did not get yourself arrested just so you can see me?
Charlie: Ummm! You got me.
Linda: Charlie, what am I going to do with you?
Charlie: Have dinner with me? Otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree here.
Linda: Alright, one dinner. Now, step back.
Charlie: (whispering) Yes, ma'am.
Linda: How do you plead?
Charlie: Guilty, your Honor.
Linda: Is this your first offense?
Charlie: Yes, your Honor.
Linda: Alright, $500.
Charlie: $500? Last time....
Linda: "Last time?"
Charlie: Thank you, your Honor.

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