Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 3: "Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo" Quotes
Alan: She's a fascinating woman: she's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA.....
Charlie: Oh, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: Of course, it makes a big difference. The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass.
Alan: You know, I'm already regretting this.
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Alan: I can't believe it, you're nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous. What am I going to talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since I was in high school!
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(to Charlie) It's possible you might enjoy your dates more if you went out with women who were capable of using their head for something other than a place to rest their ankles.Alan
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Alan: Oh, there they are.
Charlie: Hang on, hang on, which one's mine?
Alan: The one on the right.
Charlie: Wow! She's forty? She has the ears of a twenty-year-old.
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Linda: Old friend?
Charlie: Oh, yeah! You know, church choir, bake sale. You may not want to drink the ice tea.
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Yeah, hi, Linda, it's Charlie again. I just want you to know this will be my last message. I figured three's a charm, four is a restraining order. (Laughs) Look who I'm telling.Charlie
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Berta: What's this broad got that's so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you going to do with a brain?
Charlie: It doesn't matter, she'll never call me.
Berta: Awww! Don't talk like that. Just because she's smart and successful doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.
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Linda: Please, tell me you did not get yourself arrested just so you can see me?
Charlie: Ummm! You got me.
Linda: Charlie, what am I going to do with you?
Charlie: Have dinner with me? Otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree here.
Linda: Alright, one dinner. Now, step back.
Charlie: (whispering) Yes, ma'am.
Linda: How do you plead?
Charlie: Guilty, your Honor.
Linda: Is this your first offense?
Charlie: Yes, your Honor.
Linda: Alright, $500.
Charlie: $500? Last time....
Linda: "Last time?"
Charlie: Thank you, your Honor.
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