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Two-and-a-half-men

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint

Alan: How do I look?
Charlie [without looking up]: Incredible. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.
Alan: Could you at least look at me before you answer?
Charlie [after he looked up]: I stand corrected. All men want to be with you

Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas

Alan: What kind of man chooses sex with an insatiably hot stranger over quality time with his little boy?
Charlie: Oh! I don't know, the kind of man who's been married for twelve years and had sex twelve times?

Alan: I need you to watch Jake for the rest of the weekend so that Nancy and I can go to Vegas and get married.
Charlie: Oh, God, Alan! There's no need to marry the woman! If you don't want to have sex anymore just tell her!

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