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Herb: My marriage isnt over yet
Chris:'ve been takin out the garbage for two and a half hours

Alan: She left her kid there. She's got to come back.
Charlie: Would you come back for that kid?
Alan: She's never coming back.

Alan: It's always good to have a choice of dips.
Lyndsey: And I chose you.
Alan: Zing.

After seven years, I finally move out of your house, and within two days, I burn my new home down. You can't write this stuff.


Chris, I believe you know my brother. The man who's banging your wife and burnt down your house.


Chris: I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
Herb: Bad place for a lump.
Charlie: Tell me a good place.
Herb: Someone else's groin.

Charlie: You'd really be willing to risk your marriage over a cute, young babysitter?
Herb: I certainly wouldn't risk it over a fat, ugly one.

I did a babysitter once. My mom was furious.


Alan: You don't really think he'd give me a thousand dollars an hour?
Lyndsey: If I were you, I'd get the money up front.

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