Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Jake [referring to his mom and Aunt]: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way

Alan: Charlie, please don't make a bad situation worse. Judith and Liz have been at each other's throats for years.
Charlie: Why's that?
Alan: I don't know. Maybe it is because Liz was always more popular, maybe because Judith was smarter, maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception.
Charlie: Well, it is no secret why she was popular.
Alan: At our wedding reception, Charlie. In the coatroom. You where louder then the band!
Charlie: You make it sound so sleazy.
Alan: I'm sorry. Class it up for me.
Charlie: Okay, to begin with, we were on a mink coat...
Alan: Goodbye!

Judith: It's an eleven-year-old's birthday party. You could've at least put on a bra.
Liz: Some of us don't need bras.
Judith: Some of us have had husbands and children.
Liz: Oh, I've had husbands

Alan: Judith's sister is hitting on me.
Charlie: She's not hitting on you, she's hitting on her sister's ex-husband.
Alan: But that's me!

Judith: Oh, come on, Charlie. You know there was always sexual tension between us.
Charlie: Really? I thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: I saw you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my ex-wife's chest??
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy

Displaying all 6 quotes