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Alan [talking about Jake when he was a baby]: I miss that little boy. Seems like only yesterday I could've held him in one arm. He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds.
Charlie: He craps more than that now

Kandi [trying to get pregnant]: Is there anything special we have to do?
Alan: No, no, it's just like regular sex, but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom.
Kandi: Oh, okay. But I still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?
Alan: I prefer to call that "foreplay."

Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Jake: Yeah

Kandi: Thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it

Alan: Did you get the divorce papers?
Kandi: Not really, my lawyer had to explain them to me

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony.
Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon

Alan: Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?
Kandi: The big reason or all the little reasons? Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan.
Alan: I know.
Kandi: Like the way your toe nails grow all crazy.
Alan: Right. Got it.
Kandi: And your ear hair and your nose hair. And that one long hair on your back, yuck!

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