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If you can't afford dog food, don't get a dog

Charlie [to Alan about not being in a relationship]

Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here. Warm cookies smell, good. Hot poop smell, bad


Chelsea [about Jake]: There has to be something beneath that sullen exterior.
Charlie: Yes, a D student with a perpetual boner.

Melissa: We should have sex in every room
Alan: I don't see why not. We'll have to bring the towel with us. Of course we're going to have to wait a half an hour to give my erectile dysfunction medicine a chance to overcome my anti depressants

Alan: I was on a date with Melissa
Charlie: How'd it go?
Alan: She broke up with me and I may have to register as a sex offender
Charlie: So at least you had fun

Charlie [about Chelsea and Jake]: ...and one of you has to go, guess who that will be?
Jake: Why, because you sleep with her?
Charlie: Good for you, why do people think you're stupid?

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