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Two-and-a-half-men

[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.

[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.

Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.

Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

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