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Two-and-a-half-men

Why are you dating someone who probably lost her virginity during WWII? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys

Charlie [to Alan]

Alan: How does it feel to be dating a woman whose IQ is the same as her age?
Charlie: I could ask you the same thing

Alan: What are you praying for?
Jake: I have a math test on Monday.
Alan: Oh, so you're praying for a good grade?
Jake: No, that never works. I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.
Alan: Have you considered just studying for the test?
Jake: How would that help?
Alan: Okay, listen to me, even if we were to assume a god who would be willing to give your teacher a cold—
Jake: Anthrax.
Alan: Okay, no more praying for you.
Jake: Who are you, the Supreme Court?

Charlie: Well, we've established that you're a man-whore and now we're just trying to zero in on your price.
Alan: Charlie, you're not helping at all.
Charlie: Alan... did you really think I would?

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