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Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: So the doorman thing was an insult?
Alan: Yes, and a prophecy

You couldn't be more of a sucker if you were on the end of a stick

Charlie [to Alan]

All right, no romance. But sex is still on the table?

Herb [to Judith]

I'm implying that there may be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic

Alan [to Judith]

Jake: If that's Sir Lancelot, who did you squish?
Charlie: Your hope of ever driving my car again

Lenore: Fred hasn't touched me in over fourteen years
Alan: In his defense, he did have that stroke

Lenore: Do you know what it's like waking up to the same stupid face for thirty nine years?
Alan: All I can tell you is what I told your daughter, "if you don't like it, roll over."

Alan: Lenore, you think should be drinking?
Lenore: Why because I've been to Betty Ford?
Alan: No, because you got kicked out of Betty Ford

Alan [about Judith's new baby]: She has my eyes, my jawline
Charlie: You forgot poopy pants and thinning hair
Alan: Oh that was only one time and I begged you to stop at the gas station

Jake: Uncle Charlie, do you need to go anywhere?
Charlie: Yeah, away from you
Jake: You want me to drive?
Charlie: You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes?
Jake: Yes, please
Charlie: He's unnecessarily polite for a future doorman

Judith: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive
Jake: I've been driving for years. Grand Theft Auto 1, Grand Theft Auto 2. And I've never drove anyone over except for pimps and crack whores.
Alan: Jake!
Jake: Sorry, dad. Crack prostitutes.

Displaying all 11 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 3 Quotes

Jake: Uncle Charlie, do you need to go anywhere?
Charlie: Yeah, away from you
Jake: You want me to drive?
Charlie: You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes?
Jake: Yes, please
Charlie: He's unnecessarily polite for a future doorman

Judith: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive
Jake: I've been driving for years. Grand Theft Auto 1, Grand Theft Auto 2. And I've never drove anyone over except for pimps and crack whores.
Alan: Jake!
Jake: Sorry, dad. Crack prostitutes.

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