Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no! We're not going down that road at $300 an hour

Charlie: Whoa, where are you going?
Jake: Looking for my Gameboy.
Charlie: Forget your Gameboy. It's a beautiful day. You can watch TV.
Jake: I don't want to watch TV. I want to play my Gameboy and it's in your room.
Charlie: Whew! When... The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is 1234

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