Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Alan [about Jake and Sandy]: Look at that. They're bonding already.
Charlie: Your kid would join the Taliban if they made their own s'mores

Sandy: My mother always said, "a well fed man is a happy man."
Charlie: Our mother said, "here's ten bucks for pizza. Don't wait up."

Charlie: How'd you sleep?
Sandy: Great. You?
Charlie: LIke a drunk baby

Alan: Guess where we met? In cooking class.
Charlie: You've been taking a cooking class?
Alan: Where do you think I go every Tuesday?
Charlie: You're not here on Tuesdays?

Sandy: I hope Jake likes me.
Charlie: The way you cook, your only problem is keeping him from humping your leg

I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks


Jake: Is she going to stay over?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: Where is she going to sleep?
Alan: In my room.
Jake: Ok, but remember, the walls are thin and I'm impressionable

Sandy: Who has room for another eclair?
Alan: Not unless I unbutton my pants.
Charlie: My pants are already unbuttoned.
Jake: I took mine off when she brought the marshmallow yams

Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so, sex with crazy chicks is great. Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed, may as well hop on board for a farewell cruise

Displaying all 9 quotes