Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Evelyn: (talking about Charlie) I just can't believe he's still in bed.
Alan: He's a drunk, Mom, that's what they do.

Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat.

Charlie: You want to sell me a car now?
Courtney: Or, I could go downstairs.
Charlie: You wouldn't?
Courtney: I would.
Charlie: Wait a minute. You planned this. You knew they were coming over today.
Courtney: Well, a good salesman pays attention!

Berta: Here we go, Blue Eyes. I made it myself.
Teddy: Thank you.
Evelyn: Nothing for me, thanks.
Berta: I don't recall offering.

Charlie: What's this?
Courtney: Oh, that's the extended warranty. Just a little extra protection.
Charlie: It's a bit late for that.

Alan: (with the phone in his hand) It's Teddy's daughter, she wants to talk to you.
Charlie: Really?
Alan: But you promised Teddy you'd stay away from her.
Charlie: Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Charlie: Okay, Mom, I guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Evelyn: Charlie, the wedding is not for six months.
Charlie: Yeah, but it's bad luck to see the bride beforehand.

Charlie: I thought you told me to stay away from her?
Teddy: I was just trying to protect you.

Teddy: Thanks for coming, fellas. Means a lot to me.
Alan: Wouldn't miss it. We wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. Right, Charlie?
Charlie: Well, yeah, but he seems hell-bent on marrying mom.

Charlie: So, where do they put the engine in these things?
Courtney: Where it belongs... in the rear.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.

Displaying quotes 13 - 23 of 23 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 9 Quotes

Charlie: So, where do they put the engine in these things?
Courtney: Where it belongs... in the rear.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.