Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.

It's all right, I never expect much of you. And you never disappoint me.


Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.

Alan: Birthday card for mom -- sign it.
Charlie: No thanks. Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form and we'll talk.

When you came in the store, I was higher than Mel Gibson on Passover.


Russell: Want a codeine popsicle? It's my own invention.
Charlie: I think we're good.
Russell: You suck on one of these, you'll be great. I call it, "springtime on a stick."

Evelyn: You go out with a girl and break up with her hoo-hah can develop a 5'o clock shadow.
Alan: Well, in his defense mom, he's usually paying by the hour.

Evelyn: If you excuse me, I'm going to go drown my sorrows in alcohol.
Charlie: If you're not committed to alcohol, there's a whole big ocean out there.

Don't worry, she doesn't commit suicide, she inspires it.

Displaying quotes 1 - 9 of 10 in total