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Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!
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(talking about condoms)
Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
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Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
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Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.
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Charlie: (on Jake's texting) Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill, and peeing is not.
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Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
- Permalink: Hey, are you alright? No, I'm not. What's going on? One&md...
Alan: (on condoms not being 100% effective) Haven't you read the package?
Charlie: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
- Permalink: Haven't you read the package? Who reads the package? It's not ...