Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Alan: It was like our souls were merging.
Charlie: That was saliva, Alan

Alan: So...Frankie, why didn't you tell us you had a daughter?
Frankie: Ok guys, here's the deal. I didn't want you to know

Dad's having a colonoscopy and if I'm not there I'm going to have to watch the video


Jake [about Joanie]: That girl's really annoying.
Alan: I think maybe she has a crush on you.
Jake: Well, yeah! That's what's annoying.
Alan: You don't really like girls yet huh?
Jake: No, I like girls, I'm just not into eight-year-olds

Jake: Hey. I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joanie: Can I come with you?
Jake: Whatever.
Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold

Alan: So what grade are you in, Joanie?
Joanie: Second.
Alan: Ah. Cool. I have a little boy who's in fourth.
Joanie: So?
Alan: Oh......well, I thought it would be relevant to the conversation.
Charlie: No matter how old they are, you still strike out. You know, Joanie, you're just as pretty as your mom.
Joanie: So?
Alan: I bow to the master

Displaying all 6 quotes