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Charlie: I am sorry about the hermaphroditic incident.
Alan: "I'm sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl who had a vestigial penis.
Charlie: I didn't know! I was as surprised as you were!
Alan: Charlie, no one was as surprised as I was

Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution. I'll have to do you both


Charlie: Danielle—she's not right for you.
Alan: But you said she was perfect for me.
Charlie: I was wrong. She's sick and twisted; that makes her perfect for me

No woman ever came home from a date complaining that all she did was talk about herself


Berta: He's gotta go, Charlie.
Charlie: What am I gonna do, Berta? He's my brother.
Berta: We could make it look like an accident

Charlie: She works for me.
Alan: Well then, tell her when something is on the shopping list, she should shop for it.
Berta: I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him?
Alan: It's very simple. I've decided that I'm going to start drinking acidopholus milk. It promotes intestinal flora, which aids in healthy digestion. For three weeks I've been writing it on the shopping list. Yet, Berta insists on bringing home 2%.
Charlie: Slug him.

Charlie: I just thought you two might hit it off. I'm even making a little welcome basket for you to give to her.
Alan: So, she's beautiful, rich and single. Why would she want me? I'm broke, middle-aged, twice-divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son.
Charlie: We're gonna need a bigger basket.
Berta: We're gonna need chloroform and a rope

Danielle: Oh, no, how will I stay warm?
Charlie: I recommend the buddy system.
Danielle: You're cute.
Charlie: I know

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