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Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.

What do you have going on today? You going to play a little tennis in 1958?

Charlie [to Alan]

Alan: There is a very good chance a woman like that is tired rich, handsome, successful guys that have their own homes and recently built cars.
Charlie: You really believe that?
Alan: I have to.

Alan [about Gail]: I felt a little spark between us
Charlie: If there was a spark it's because she was warming up her taser

Jake: Do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Charlie: I mean, you gotta define abnormal
Alan: Keep in mind the body doesn't process alcohol efficiently, which is why your Uncle Charlie is a perpetual urine machine
Charlie: Also keep in mind your father has the bladder control of a frightened nine year old girl, which is why he needs to wear two pairs of undies and a panty liner
Alan: Only on long drives

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