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Dani: If you're not gay, whats the deal with Alan?
Walden: He claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when I kissed him.

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?

Cured is one of those lamen terms psychiatrists try to avoid. It's bad for business.

Dr. Freeman

Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.

If I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one would be full?

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