Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Alan [reading the newspaper]: Hey, mom, here's some good news. It seems with medical breakthroughs, the average life span will soon be a hundred years.
Evelyn: Wonderful, more time to be ignored by your children

Alan: Why are you so sure you're gonna lose?
Charlie: Because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle. It's about who has the sexiest product. That's why the awards always go to car and beer ads. Over-the-counter medications just aren't hip enough.
Alan: That hardly seems fair.
Charlie: Tell me about it. Encourage people to get drunk and drive fast, great, here's an award; relieve the heartbreak of vaginal itching, they don't even want to shake your hand

An awards ceremony is like a Thai massage. If you don't know that there's gonna be a happy ending, there's no point in lying down


Rose: Every time we have sex I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.
Charlie: That's gonna keep me up at night

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