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Alan: This sock is soaking wet.
Charlie: Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth, and the lid was open.
Alan: So this is toilet water?
Charlie: At least
- Permalink: This sock is soaking wet. Yeah, I chipped into the water hazar...
Charlie: What'd you get busted for?
Jake: I painted my room at Mom's house.
Charlie: What's wrong with that?
Jake: I'm ten years old
- Permalink: What'd you get busted for? I painted my room at Mom's house. ...
Alan: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away...
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well, it's all I got
- Permalink: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the gr...
Alan: I am not comfortable with this. Maybe I should go and wait in the car.
Charlie: You're not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't wanna meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon. Your wife is out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake [singing]: ...it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple-maple-maplelicious.
Hot Chick: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh. Thank you.
Hot Chick: You and your... life partner must be so proud.
Charlie: You're right. Go wait in the car!
- Permalink: I am not comfortable with this. Maybe I should go and wait in th...
Charlie: You know your uncle Charlie wrote that song.
Jake: No lie.
Charlie: Kid, if I was going to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven"
- Permalink: You know your uncle Charlie wrote that song. No lie. Kid, if...
Well, Alan, there's not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach... and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeckCharlie
- Permalink: Well, Alan, there's not much to say. I make a lot of money for d...
Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don't have any food.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry. Who's smiling now, shorty?
- Permalink: What are you smiling about? You don't have any food. Yeah, b...
Alan: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabinets shut regularly?
Charlie: You've met some of the whack jobs I've went out with, this shouldn't be that much of a stretch
- Permalink: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabine...
Look at you all grown up and back living with mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now on a scale from one to...two?Charlie [to Alan]
- Permalink: Look at you all grown up and back living with mom. How good do y...
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch
- Permalink: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink? Nobody likes...
Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog
- Permalink: You guys are really great together. Thanks. Your wife must b...