Season 4, Episode 24: "Prostitutes and Gelato"
Teddy: Charlie, you need anything?Charlie: Teddy, if I was any happier, my pants would be wet
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Berta: OK, I'm outta here.
Alan: Hey, Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?
Berta: Yeah, she joined the Mormon Church so she can get a rent controlled apartment in Salt Lake City. Oh, you mean your mom. No.
Charlie: We're getting a new dad!
Alan: He's great! His name is Teddy!
Charlie: He took us to a boxing match!
Alan: He bought us prostitutes and gelato!
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Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane
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Alan: Can I go sit in the limo?
Teddy: Knock yourself out. There's sushi.
Alan: Sushi in a car? Oh, boy!
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Charlie: I don't understand, how could mom say "no" to him?
Alan: He was perfect for her.
Charlie: Forget her, he was perfect for us
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Alan: Where are we going?
Charlie: We are going to talk some sense into our mother.
Alan: Really? It's hard to imagine that turning out well
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Charlie: What? Really? I just can´t believe it.
Alan: What is it? What happened?
Charlie: Mom just turned down Teddy.
Alan: That bitch
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Season 4, Episode 23: "Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin"
Alan [talking about Chloe]: So where did you find this one?Charlie: The animal shelter.
Alan: Are we getting a pet?
Charlie: Are you crazy? We've already got your kid
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Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan: I don't scream when I pee?
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Berta: See, my problem is that I'm a giver. I love too much. And it's always the wrong man.
Fernando: You have romance in your heart.
Berta: Oh, I have romance all over me. I reek of it
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Total Quotes: 690
