Season 7, Episode 3: "Mmm, fish. Yum."
Lenore: Do you know what it's like waking up to the same stupid face for thirty nine years?Alan: All I can tell you is what I told your daughter, "if you don't like it, roll over."
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Alan: Lenore, you think should be drinking?
Lenore: Why because I've been to Betty Ford?
Alan: No, because you got kicked out of Betty Ford
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Alan [about Judith's new baby]: She has my eyes, my jawline
Charlie: You forgot poopy pants and thinning hair
Alan: Oh that was only one time and I begged you to stop at the gas station
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Jake: Uncle Charlie, do you need to go anywhere?
Charlie: Yeah, away from you
Jake: You want me to drive?
Charlie: You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes?
Jake: Yes, please
Charlie: He's unnecessarily polite for a future doorman
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Judith: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive
Jake: I've been driving for years. Grand Theft Auto 1, Grand Theft Auto 2. And I've never drove anyone over except for pimps and crack whores.
Alan: Jake!
Jake: Sorry, dad. Crack prostitutes.
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Season 7, Episode 2: "Whipped Unto the Third Generation"
Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friendsChelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking
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Charlie [to Alan]: I'm drunk in bed with my brother and you want to know why I don't want to watch porn?
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Alan: Remember that time we were on a Caribbean cruise with mom and we had our own cabin? It took us three days to realize she was on a different boat
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Alan: As you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here
Charlie: We probably have different definitions of fair, and share, and rent, but go on...
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Chelsea [about Alan]: He pays rent, doesn't he?
Charlie: I dunno, once, maybe... at least he said he did
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Total Quotes: 690
