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Two-and-a-half-men

Berta: Charlie, you got somebody in there?
Charlie: Uh, no.
Berta: I need to get your towels.
Charlie: Uh, I really wish you wouldn't.
Berta: Come on, I'm doing laundry. I want to finish a load before I go.
Charlie: Yeah, well, me too.
Berta: What?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go away!
Berta: All right. If it helps, you can think of me.

Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Doctor [at a vasectomy consultation]: Actually, you'll be able to perform the same way you did before.
Charlie: Great. But what about creativity? You see, I write music for a living. Will I still be able to do that?
Doctor: Do you write with your testicles?
Charlie: No.
Doctor: Then it shouldn't be a problem

Doctor: Now, let me ask you a question. Do you have children already?
Charlie: No.
Doctor: Okay, then you might want to consider freezing some sperm, just in case you change your mind.
Charlie: Frozen sperm? I don't know.
Doctor: Why not?
Charlie: Well, you know, when you freeze shrimp, it's never as good as fresh.
Doctor: That's really not the same thing.
Charlie: So you know for a fact that frozen kids are just as good as the regulars?

Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?

Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake [repeating Charlie's quote]: No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?!?!?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff
Alan: Okay, bye-bye

Alan: Remember, we have Jake's session first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I talked and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoe

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W

Charlie: Hey Jake, you wanna go to the bowling alley and play some air hockey today?
Jake: Sure, but you still owe me, like, $12,000 from last time.
Charlie: What are you gonna do, break my thumbs?
Jake: It wouldn't hurt your game

Alan: Why is the vacuum cleaner out?
Charlie: Because we were ankle deep in bunny poop.
Alan: Were you drinking last night?
Charlie: Yes, but that's not the point

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 121 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog

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