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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no! We're not going down that road at $300 an hour

Charlie: Whoa, where are you going?
Jake: Looking for my Gameboy.
Charlie: Forget your Gameboy. It's a beautiful day. You can watch TV.
Jake: I don't want to watch TV. I want to play my Gameboy and it's in your room.
Charlie: Whew! When... The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is 1234

Alan: He's just a normal eleven-year-old kid who happens to be grumpy.
Judith: And I'm a normal thirty-five-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by "patience" I mean "Prozac"

Berta: Please, if my kids were going to bed at seven, I'd dip myself in gravy and danced naked on the rooftop.
Charlie: She does make a hell of a gravy

Judith: He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.
Alan: What, you mean like a... like a shrink?
Judith: No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith

Berta: Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Alan: Berta, his mother and I are going thorough a divorce and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of sting cheese he hasn't processed

Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Charlie: What did you say?
Berta: I said, uh, "drink this bottle of prune juice"

I'm telling you, you're spoiling the kid. I didn't have a shrink when I was Jake's age and my childhood was twice as screwed up as his. I mean, you're a little cuckoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricane

Charlie

Berta [trying to convince Alan Jake is constipated]: I'm telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Doh—stopped her up for two weeks!
Alan: All right, Berta.
Berta: She finally pooped out a whole ashtray.
Alan: Berta!
Berta: That was the day I quit smoking

Jake [referring to his mom and Aunt]: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 121 in total

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Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog

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