Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 1 Episode 20: "Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark"

Charlie: I'm telling you, you're spoiling the kid. I didn't have a shrink when I was Jake's age and my childhood was twice as screwed up as his. I mean, you're a little cuckoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricane
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [trying to convince Alan Jake is constipated]: I'm telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Doh—stopped her up for two weeks!
Alan: All right, Berta.
Berta: She finally pooped out a whole ashtray.
Alan: Berta!
Berta: That was the day I quit smoking
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 19: "I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You"

Jake [referring to his mom and Aunt]: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Charlie, please don't make a bad situation worse. Judith and Liz have been at each other's throats for years.
Charlie: Why's that?
Alan: I don't know. Maybe it is because Liz was always more popular, maybe because Judith was smarter, maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception.
Charlie: Well, it is no secret why she was popular.
Alan: At our wedding reception, Charlie. In the coatroom. You where louder then the band!
Charlie: You make it sound so sleazy.
Alan: I'm sorry. Class it up for me.
Charlie: Okay, to begin with, we were on a mink coat...
Alan: Goodbye!
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith: It's an eleven-year-old's birthday party. You could've at least put on a bra.
Liz: Some of us don't need bras.
Judith: Some of us have had husbands and children.
Liz: Oh, I've had husbands
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Judith's sister is hitting on me.
Charlie: She's not hitting on you, she's hitting on her sister's ex-husband.
Alan: But that's me!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Judith: Oh, come on, Charlie. You know there was always sexual tension between us.
Charlie: Really? I thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: I saw you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my ex-wife's chest??
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 18: "An Old Flame With a New Wick"

Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to "see me."
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she's "knocked up."
Charlie: Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in three years.
Berta: So she's bringing you a four-year-old
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Wait a minute. Isn't she the one who dumped you?
Alan: Someone dumped Charlie?!?!
Berta: Broke his little black heart. It was pathetic!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 17: "Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats"

Charlie [filling out medical form]: Have you had one of the following: measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yes!
Jake: I don't know
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [filling out hospital form]: Is there anything you eat that makes you sick?
Jake: I ate a worm once
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [about Jake]: Last summer he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bath tub
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: If Mom's ever in a coma you're the one who has to decide whether to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I'm gonna grab my keys, and we'll head to the hospital.
Jake: I don't want to go to a hospital!
Charlie: Did I say hospital? I meant Disneyland
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [filling out a form for Jake]: First name. Jake. Ob?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Charlie: Jacob. I knew that. What's your middle name?
Jake: You don't know?
Charlie: Of course I know. I'm just checking to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude!
Jake: David.
Charlie: David. Jacob David. Your parents sure went Old Testament on you, didn't they?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: No, you don't understand. He fell on his head. He's bleeding.
Nurse: Okay. Follow my finger. [moves her finger in front of his face] He's gonna be fine.
Charlie: That's it? He's fine? That's not a medical test. That's how you hypnotize a chicken!
 • Rating: Unrated

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