Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Jake: Hey. I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joanie: Can I come with you?
Jake: Whatever.
Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold

Alan: So what grade are you in, Joanie?
Joanie: Second.
Alan: Ah. Cool. I have a little boy who's in fourth.
Joanie: So?
Alan: Oh......well, I thought it would be relevant to the conversation.
Charlie: No matter how old they are, you still strike out. You know, Joanie, you're just as pretty as your mom.
Joanie: So?
Alan: I bow to the master

Charlie: Why are you destroying your psychiatrist's car?
Frankie: He told me I had anger management issues.
[She smashes the car window with a baseball bat]
Charlie: The quack.
Frankie: Then he hit on me.
Charlie: The horny quack

Alan: Charlie, let's go. This woman is clearly a lunatic.
Charlie: Yeah, but look at the passion, the fire... the ass!

Alan: What are you afraid of?
Charlie: I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard I'll be an only child

Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.

Alan: You have satellite and cable?
Charlie: Sometimes there's solar flares.
Alan: OK, you can cut back to basic cable.
Charlie: Basic cable? That's what they get in prison!

You're the first man who slept with me because he was drunk, not because of my money!


Charlie: Alan, I can't do this anymore, I quit!
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie

Displaying quotes 46 - 54 of 121 in total