Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes
Charlie: So what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I'm showing a house at the beach and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
Alan: You're writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes Transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants
Charlie: Jake, what's this? A phone message?
Jake: Yeah, some lady called for you.
Charlie: Who? I can't read your writing.
Jake [reading the paper]: You're a big selfish jerk.
Charlie: Ok, I know who this is. Amy—probably Amy.
Jake: Yup, Amy
Charlie: I just want you to know that in my way I want you to be happy, and I love you.
Evelyn: Well, I guess I'll go pack.
Charlie: Why?
Evelyn: Oh, I'm going home.
Charlie: In the middle of the night?
Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You can only screw it up from here
Evelyn: We are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy's going to remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's whether or not you beat the spread
Jake: These clothes look stupid.
Charlie: You're ten. No one cares
Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?
Charlie: Why? It doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone... and we're all going to die
First of all, that little boy loves you. And second of all, just cause your wife decides she doesn't want to sleep with men, it doesn't make you a bad husband, though I wouldn't brag about it.
Charlie [to Alan]
I don't even know how my wife is going to be a lesbian. She hates oral sex—hates it
Alan
Jake: Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet!
Charlie: I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque nineteen-year-old girl?
Alan: Porky's his pet guinea pig.
Charlie: You're bringing vermin into my house?
Alan: Charlie, I want Jake to follow the rules, so I need you to be my eyes and my ears.
Charlie: Ok, I need you to be my liver and my prostate
Jake: Why do you hate your mother?
Charlie: I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink