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Two-and-a-half-men

When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn't get any worse. But instead of making me visit with her, she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays the stupid guy. I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them.

Jake [reading his paper]

Did my son... polish your trophy wife?

Evelyn [to Norman]

Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.

Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do

My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie

Jake [reading his paper]

Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Oh, come on, he's not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?

Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Do you realize that he did in one night, what we could never do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: He spit her out and chewed her up.
Alan: It was beautiful

Evelyn [to Alan]: Are you telling me you need to get your ex-wife's approval to let your own son spend time with your own mother?
Charlie: He had a really, really bad lawyer

Charlie: No man has ever gotten into a woman's pants chit-chatting about skin cancer.
Alan: You can't possibly know that

Jake [about spending night at grandma's]: What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It's not a punishment.
Jake: It's not a prize. I'm calling Mom

Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 135 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Back off, Mary Poppins

Sean Penn [to Alan]
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