Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes

Episode 24: "Does This Smell Funny to You?"

Jake [reading his paper]: When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn't get any worse. But instead of making me visit with her, she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays the stupid guy. I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Norman]: Did my son... polish your trophy wife?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [reading his paper]: My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Episode 23: "Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab"

Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Oh, come on, he's not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Do you realize that he did in one night, what we could never do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: He spit her out and chewed her up.
Alan: It was beautiful
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Alan]: Are you telling me you need to get your ex-wife's approval to let your own son spend time with your own mother?
Charlie: He had a really, really bad lawyer
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: No man has ever gotten into a woman's pants chit-chatting about skin cancer.
Alan: You can't possibly know that
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [about spending night at grandma's]: What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It's not a punishment.
Jake: It's not a prize. I'm calling Mom
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Episode 22: "That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother"

Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about his mother and Trudy's father]: Apparently your father mixed his heart medication with his Viagra, and they didn't want to waste the opportunity.
Trudy: So he's not coming?
Alan: Well...
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?
Charlie: Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
Jake: How come?
Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Episode 21: "A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On"

Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [about the funeral]: I'm gonna need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about the funeral]: Jake, you're coming with us.
Jake: I don't wanna!
Charlie: Are you sure? You get to see a real dead guy.
Jake: There's gonna be a dead guy? Where?
Alan: ... At the funeral.
Jake: Oh, cool! Can I come
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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