Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes
Charlie: Oh, Miss Pasternak...
Miss Pasternak: How come you never call me by my first name?
Charlie: I don't know, this just seems way hotter
- Permalink: Oh, Miss Pasternak... How come you never call me by my first n...
Alan: I should apologize to you. Showing up here last night, unannounced-that's completely inappropriate and I came by to tell you it won't happen again.
Herb: So, you came over unannounced to apologize for coming over unannounced?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that
- Permalink: I should apologize to you. Showing up here last night, unannounc...
Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it
- Permalink: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something...
Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician.
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
- Permalink: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatricia...
Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo", write "lap dance". Giver her something to explain at tax time
- Permalink: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time. Go a...
So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friendsAlan
- Permalink: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem...
Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
- Permalink: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend? It's not up to ...
Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.
- Permalink: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample som...
Back off, Mary PoppinsSean Penn [to Alan]
- Permalink: Back off, Mary Poppins