Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 2 Episode 21: "A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On"

Evelyn [about her second husband]: I just can't believe he's gone.
Charlie: Isn't that why we're going to the funeral, to make sure?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: How do you sleep at night?
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Charlie]: Laugh now, but when I die I'll come back to haunt you. [she leaves]
Charlie [to Alan]: How will that be any different from this
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 2 Episode 20: "I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey"

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: Giving you a wedgie... where's your underwear?
Charlie: I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork & Mindy lunch box!
Charlie: Will you let that go?! By the way, if you think it through, we didn't have a dog.
Alan: What?
Charlie: Mom wanted me to make you lunch... I made ya lunch!
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Alan: He gave me wedgies! From kindergarden on, I have gotten daily wedgies! My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college!
Charlie: At which point a long stick slid out
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: So what should we do with Jake today?
Alan: I don't know. How about a barbecue?
Charlie: Gee, Alan, I don't know. The kid is delicious, but I think I'd prefer hamburgers
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [to Rose]: When we were kids, Charlie told his friends that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 18: "It Was Mame, Mom"

Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Well, you know how women like you to go slow...
Alan: Really? My ex-wife put a premium on brevity. Her motto was "less is more and none is perfect"
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Alan, let me give you a piece of advice. Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: When making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 17: "Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!"

Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites
 • Rating: Unrated

Doctor: You're a doctor?
Alan: I'm a chiropractor.
Doctor: Then... no
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: Um, thank you? And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [having back pain]: Alan, you're a chiropractor... do something.
Alan: Really, you want MY help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it.. "urban voodoo"?
Charlie: I'm sorry. Now help me.
Alan: Ok, ok... we'll see what we can do. [begins doing voodoo dance] Hoomala, hoomala, hoomala...
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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