Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 3 Episode 21: "And the Plot Moistens"

Jake: She say what I'm in trouble for?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.
Charlie: Yeah, like a pregnancy test
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Oh, by the way, you need to buy Kandi a diamond necklace.
Alan: Wha-What?
Charlie: You told me to cover for you. I said you were out buying her jewelry.
Alan: That's all you could think of?
Charlie: Well, I could think of a lot of things, but only one made me laugh.
Alan: I can't afford to buy her jewelry.
Charlie: I know, that's what makes it funny
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 20: "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro"

Alan: If it had gone well, do you think I'd be sitting here talking to two half-naked people?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: What?
Charlie: I'm completely naked
 • Rating: Unrated

Mandi: Hi, Alan, how are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 19: "Golly Moses, She's A Muffin"

Charlie [about Kandi]: Congratulations, Alan, it looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
Alan: Okay, so she's not overly sophisticated.
Berta: Sophisticated? She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
Alan: Hey, hey, she's got a great heart, she's warm and loving, and she genuinely cares for me.
Berta: I stand corrected... one marble
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Boy am I thirsty.
Kandi: That's 'cause you sweat so much during sex.
Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
Kandi: You have a boat?
Alan: No, sweetie, what I meant was...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, some of us don't want to hear about your little dinghy
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What are you doing here?
Charlie: You know, I was asking myself the same thing. So I did a little research, and it turns out, it's my house!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [upon seeing Kandi sunbathing]: Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly Moses, she's a muffin
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kandi [to Charlie]: With you, sex is kinda like going on space mountain. It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger. With Alan, it's like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he'll get you there
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Alan: Jake, what are we going to do? You've really fallen behind this year.
Jake: I know, I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce.
Alan: Oh?
Jake: Yeah, it took awhile, but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And?
Jake: I was really surprised
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 18: "The Spit-Covered Cobbler"

Charlie: You don't dry clean a rented tuxedo. You don't redecorate a hotel room. You don't order cable for a port-a-potty...unless you're really, really drunk. And you don't take on the bills of a girl that's got the attention span of a monkey chewing on a fly swatter
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

# Charlie: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch, but he won't let you have it. either?
Jake: Oh, yeah, Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.
Charlie: Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your Mom is Russell Beasley, and your Dad is the spit-covered cobbler.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.
Jake: Oh. You know, I like cobbler with ice cream.
Charlie: Way to follow a train of thought.
Jake: Thanks.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: What are you auctioning?
Alan: Well, a few rare books, a couple of lithos, a set of golf clubs...
Charlie: Since when do you play golf?
Alan: Uh, well, technically, they're your clubs.
Charlie: You're stealing from me?!
Alan: Oh, come on, you only bought 'em so you could go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [about Kandi]: She looks up to me. She thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 17: "The Unfortunate Little Schnauser"

Alan [reading the newspaper]: Hey, mom, here's some good news. It seems with medical breakthroughs, the average life span will soon be a hundred years.
Evelyn: Wonderful, more time to be ignored by your children
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Why are you so sure you're gonna lose?
Charlie: Because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle. It's about who has the sexiest product. That's why the awards always go to car and beer ads. Over-the-counter medications just aren't hip enough.
Alan: That hardly seems fair.
Charlie: Tell me about it. Encourage people to get drunk and drive fast, great, here's an award; relieve the heartbreak of vaginal itching, they don't even want to shake your hand
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: An awards ceremony is like a Thai massage. If you don't know that there's gonna be a happy ending, there's no point in lying down
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Rose: Every time we have sex I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.
Charlie: That's gonna keep me up at night
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 16: "Ergo, The Booty Call"

Alan: Sorry I'm late, Kandi and I had morning sex.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: Twice.
Charlie: Congratulations.
Alan: She didn't even wake me up for the first one. I almost missed it.
Charlie: Well I've always said a 22-year-old girl is like a good carpenter, no wood gets wasted
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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