Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Charlie: I can't risk letting you scar the kid forever.
Alan: What do you mean by that?
Charlie: Face it, Alan, what can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of abject failure with women?
Alan: It's not a lifetime yet.
Charlie: I, on the other hand, have a wealth of experience to offer.
Alan: He's twelve, he doesn't need know how to choreograph a three-way.
Charlie: I'm not talking about that—I'm saving that for prom night

Charlie: By the way, did you have the talk with him?
Alan: Well sure, I mean, well we've had a talk, you know, covered the basics. He knows where babies come from and how they got there.
Charlie: That's all? He's going to this party completely clueless about how much fun he can have between "Hi, how are you" and "What do you mean you missed your period.

Alan: I happen to believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
Charlie: I agree: childhood should be a time of innocence, and Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in

Alan: Wendy Cho's the smartest girl at school. I wonder why she's calling Jake?
Charlie: Maybe she lost a bet.
Alan: Charlie, that's not nice.
Charlie: Well, kids are cruel

Alan: What's going on in school?
Jake: Nothing
Alan: Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is.

Charlie: Ha, one kiss and he's ready to marry the girl.
Alan: So?
Charlie: So you don't have to worry, he's definitely your son

Kandi: Why would I fantasize about having sex while I'm having sex? Do you think about ham and cheese when you're eating a sandwich?
Alan: Can't argue with that

Charlie: So, Kandi, what's your favorite musical?
Kandi: The trombone

Charlie: You're already doing a hot 22-year-old and you're cheating on her?
Alan: Yes.
Charlie: I am so proud of you!

Displaying quotes 10 - 18 of 121 in total