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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Wendy Cho's the smartest girl at school. I wonder why she's calling Jake?
Charlie: Maybe she lost a bet.
Alan: Charlie, that's not nice.
Charlie: Well, kids are cruel

Alan: What's going on in school?
Jake: Nothing
Alan: Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is.

Charlie: Ha, one kiss and he's ready to marry the girl.
Alan: So?
Charlie: So you don't have to worry, he's definitely your son

Kandi: Why would I fantasize about having sex while I'm having sex? Do you think about ham and cheese when you're eating a sandwich?
Alan: Can't argue with that

Charlie: So, Kandi, what's your favorite musical?
Kandi: The trombone

Charlie: You're already doing a hot 22-year-old and you're cheating on her?
Alan: Yes.
Charlie: I am so proud of you!

Judith [on Jake's lack of hobbies]: I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men

Alan: I need to communicate after love making. I need to share.
Charlie: Well maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinking a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo

Jake: She say what I'm in trouble for?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.
Charlie: Yeah, like a pregnancy test

Charlie: Oh, by the way, you need to buy Kandi a diamond necklace.
Alan: Wha-What?
Charlie: You told me to cover for you. I said you were out buying her jewelry.
Alan: That's all you could think of?
Charlie: Well, I could think of a lot of things, but only one made me laugh.
Alan: I can't afford to buy her jewelry.
Charlie: I know, that's what makes it funny

Alan: If it had gone well, do you think I'd be sitting here talking to two half-naked people?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: What?
Charlie: I'm completely naked

Mandi: Hi, Alan, how are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 121 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse

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