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Two-and-a-half-men

Judith [on Jake's lack of hobbies]: I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men

Alan: I need to communicate after love making. I need to share.
Charlie: Well maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinking a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo

Jake: She say what I'm in trouble for?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.
Charlie: Yeah, like a pregnancy test

Charlie: Oh, by the way, you need to buy Kandi a diamond necklace.
Alan: Wha-What?
Charlie: You told me to cover for you. I said you were out buying her jewelry.
Alan: That's all you could think of?
Charlie: Well, I could think of a lot of things, but only one made me laugh.
Alan: I can't afford to buy her jewelry.
Charlie: I know, that's what makes it funny

Alan: If it had gone well, do you think I'd be sitting here talking to two half-naked people?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: What?
Charlie: I'm completely naked

Mandi: Hi, Alan, how are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm

Charlie [about Kandi]: Congratulations, Alan, it looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
Alan: Okay, so she's not overly sophisticated.
Berta: Sophisticated? She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
Alan: Hey, hey, she's got a great heart, she's warm and loving, and she genuinely cares for me.
Berta: I stand corrected... one marble

Alan: Boy am I thirsty.
Kandi: That's 'cause you sweat so much during sex.
Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
Kandi: You have a boat?
Alan: No, sweetie, what I meant was...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, some of us don't want to hear about your little dinghy

Alan: What are you doing here?
Charlie: You know, I was asking myself the same thing. So I did a little research, and it turns out, it's my house!

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