Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 3 Episode 16: "Ergo, The Booty Call"

Alan [explaining booty calls to Jake]: You see Jake, in the old west, cowboys could be out on the dusty range for months at a time, and they get mighty dirty. So they'd mosey into town with nothing but the clothes on their backs, and they'd need to wash them. So what they'd do is, they'd go down to the creek, and strip down until they were wearing nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. Anyways, in order to warn people that were swimming that a naked cowboy was on his way, he would yell, or, if you will, call, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the Booty Call.
Kandi: Wow Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice: does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous 22-year- old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it, you just want them to know where yours has been
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [to Alan]: I'm just surprised you can keep up with her. I thought by now she would have worn you down to a few vertebrae and a pool of spinal fluid
 • Rating: Unrated

Rose: Gordon is my soul mate. He completes me. We're inseparable. [To Gordon]: Wait here, I want to talk to Charlie alone
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Who's that?
Rose: Gordon, my boyfriend.
Jake: How come he's not allowed in?
Rose: I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation.
Charlie: Too late.
Jake: You bringing him to my birthday party?
Rose: I don't know. Charlie, is the wound too fresh?
Charlie: I think I can handle it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: What's a booty call?
Charlie: Well, it's... you know this is more of a thing a son should learn from his father.
Jake: Oh, okay.
Charlie: Maybe you should ask him now.
Jake: Alright.
Charlie: I'm going to hell
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 15: "My Tongue is Meat"

Jake: I thought you weren't supposed to be smoking and drinking anymore.
Charlie: I thought you weren't supposed to be watching dirty movies anymore.
Jake: Don't change the subject
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Evelyn: Charlie.
Alan: Great, come on in
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 14: " Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded"

Alan: My girlfriend on the other hand, has no idea who I really am, damn little desire to find out, and is only interested in riding me like a wild mustang and draining me of all bodily fluids
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Judith [about Kandi]: Are you proud of yourself?
Alan: What do you mean?
Judith: Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Alan: Oh, that. Yeah, I am pretty proud of that
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 13: "Humiliation is a Visual Medium"

Charlie [hands her flowers]: These are for you.
Mia: You didn't have to do that.
Charlie: Really? My brother said I did
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I want to share this with my entire family.
Berta: Okay, I'm leaving.
Charlie: Berta, I consider you part of my family.
Berta: Am I in your will?
Charlie: No, but neither are the rest of them
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: First of all, the phone is no good. You must grovel in person. Humiliation is a visual medium
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 12: "That Special Tug"

Dr. Freeman: Have you ever been in therapy before?
Charlie: Does massage therapy count?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say, stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas?
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there is no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Which one's Amy?
Alan: Amy is the one who overcame the eating disorder.
Charlie: Starving herself or throwing up?
Alan: Does it make a difference?
Charlie: It does if you're paying for dinner.
Alan: Amy is the brunette.
Charlie: Got it. So I have Jennifer.
Alan: You mean Beth.
Charlie: Oh right, right, B for blonde.
Alan: B can also be for brunette.
Charlie: But Amy is the brunette, you could do A for anorexic.
Alan: Unless its B for bulimic.
Charlie: Good point, we're gonna need a new system
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Freeman: I'm still not clear on what it is you would like me to help you with? Ah, your anger issues? Your sexual issues? Drinking?
Charlie: No, no, no, that's all cool
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Did you see how happy Jake was to be spending the night away from me?
Charlie: Why'd you say that, because he jumped out of the car while it was still moving?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting...and I am all for messing around with brain chemistry...I mean, that is how I got through High School. But in my experience popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as... bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it, you're desperate and I am full of whooie
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Anyway, last night I am out with my stupid, lame ass brother.
Dr. Freeman: Sounds like you you've got some anger towards him...
Charlie: Oohh, you're good
 • Rating: Unrated

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