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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: How'd you sleep?
Sandy: Great. You?
Charlie: LIke a drunk baby

Alan: Guess where we met? In cooking class.
Charlie: You've been taking a cooking class?
Alan: Where do you think I go every Tuesday?
Charlie: You're not here on Tuesdays?

Sandy: I hope Jake likes me.
Charlie: The way you cook, your only problem is keeping him from humping your leg

I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks

Berta

Jake: Is she going to stay over?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: Where is she going to sleep?
Alan: In my room.
Jake: Ok, but remember, the walls are thin and I'm impressionable

Sandy: Who has room for another eclair?
Alan: Not unless I unbutton my pants.
Charlie: My pants are already unbuttoned.
Jake: I took mine off when she brought the marshmallow yams

Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so, sex with crazy chicks is great. Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed, may as well hop on board for a farewell cruise

Alan: The important thing for you to know is how much I love you.
Jake: You told the waiter that you loved him, too.
Alan: He was a very good waiter

We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground

Charlie
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