Alan: Geez, there's Mom. Who's that she's with?
Charlie: I don't know, but she hasn't been dating him long.
Alan: How can you tell?
Charlie: He's still smiling.

Teddy: Charlie, you need anything?
Charlie: Teddy, if I was any happier, my pants would be wet

Berta: OK, I'm outta here.
Alan: Hey, Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?
Berta: Yeah, she joined the Mormon Church so she can get a rent controlled apartment in Salt Lake City. Oh, you mean your mom. No.
Charlie: We're getting a new dad!
Alan: He's great! His name is Teddy!
Charlie: He took us to a boxing match!
Alan: He bought us prostitutes and gelato!

Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane

Alan: Can I go sit in the limo?
Teddy: Knock yourself out. There's sushi.
Alan: Sushi in a car? Oh, boy!

Charlie: I don't understand, how could mom say "no" to him?
Alan: He was perfect for her.
Charlie: Forget her, he was perfect for us

Alan: Where are we going?
Charlie: We are going to talk some sense into our mother.
Alan: Really? It's hard to imagine that turning out well

Charlie: What? Really? I just can´t believe it.
Alan: What is it? What happened?
Charlie: Mom just turned down Teddy.
Alan: That bitch

Alan [talking about Chloe]: So where did you find this one?
Charlie: The animal shelter.
Alan: Are we getting a pet?
Charlie: Are you crazy? We've already got your kid

Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan: I don't scream when I pee?

Berta: See, my problem is that I'm a giver. I love too much. And it's always the wrong man.
Fernando: You have romance in your heart.
Berta: Oh, I have romance all over me. I reek of it

Charlie: You look at an animal shelter and see homeless dogs and kitties about to be put to death. Me? I see an ass farm.
Alan: OK, I'm speechless.
Charlie: No words necessary - silent admiration is all I ask

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Charlie: Normally, at this point in a relationship, I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.
Myra: For example?
Charlie: Well, that would depend on whether I'm trying to get rid of you for today or forever.
Myra: Let's say today.
Charlie: OK. Today I have to see my dermatologist about a little rash.
Myra: Oh, that's good. What about forever?
Charlie: Turns out it wasn't a rash, and they won't let me come home

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.