Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Season 4 Episode 24: "Prostitutes and Gelato"

Alan: Geez, there's Mom. Who's that she's with?
Charlie: I don't know, but she hasn't been dating him long.
Alan: How can you tell?
Charlie: He's still smiling.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Teddy: Charlie, you need anything?
Charlie: Teddy, if I was any happier, my pants would be wet
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: OK, I'm outta here.
Alan: Hey, Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?
Berta: Yeah, she joined the Mormon Church so she can get a rent controlled apartment in Salt Lake City. Oh, you mean your mom. No.
Charlie: We're getting a new dad!
Alan: He's great! His name is Teddy!
Charlie: He took us to a boxing match!
Alan: He bought us prostitutes and gelato!
 • Rating: Unrated

Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Can I go sit in the limo?
Teddy: Knock yourself out. There's sushi.
Alan: Sushi in a car? Oh, boy!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I don't understand, how could mom say "no" to him?
Alan: He was perfect for her.
Charlie: Forget her, he was perfect for us
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Where are we going?
Charlie: We are going to talk some sense into our mother.
Alan: Really? It's hard to imagine that turning out well
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: What? Really? I just can´t believe it.
Alan: What is it? What happened?
Charlie: Mom just turned down Teddy.
Alan: That bitch
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 23: "Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin"

Alan [talking about Chloe]: So where did you find this one?
Charlie: The animal shelter.
Alan: Are we getting a pet?
Charlie: Are you crazy? We've already got your kid
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan: I don't scream when I pee?
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: See, my problem is that I'm a giver. I love too much. And it's always the wrong man.
Fernando: You have romance in your heart.
Berta: Oh, I have romance all over me. I reek of it
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You look at an animal shelter and see homeless dogs and kitties about to be put to death. Me? I see an ass farm.
Alan: OK, I'm speechless.
Charlie: No words necessary - silent admiration is all I ask
 • Rating: Unrated

Fernando: Is the big one here?
Charlie: She went to get something waxed.
Alan: We were afraid to ask what
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: She brought soup!
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug. So she assumed it was bronchial. If you had been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Jake: And I bet they don't bring soup, either
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 22: "Mr. McGlue's Feedbag"

Charlie: Okay, I'm leaving.
Jake: Bye.
Charlie: If you need anything, ask Berta.
Jake: Okay.
Charlie: She won't give it to you, but she enjoys being asked
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Did you help him with his book report?
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: No.
Alan: Charlie, you said you'd help him.
Charlie: Well, you said you'd only be living here for a couple of weeks
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Just hide the money. Stick it into a shoe.
Jake: Right. What about if I wanna wear it?
Charlie: Then put it on another shoe.
Jake: But not of the same pair, right?
Charlie: Right
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 21: "Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous"

Charlie: What's going on?
Alan: Oh, I just have a friend over for my single-parent support group.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, unattached moms. I gotta check out that group.
Alan: You don't have a kid.
Charlie: Are they really strict about that?
 • Rating: Unrated

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