Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 4 Episode 21: "Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous"

Charlie: Berta. How long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working"
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Can we watch the soccer game instead of basketball?
Charlie: What are you, nuts?
Jake: Sophie said soccer is the most popular game in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need us to watch it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute. I thought I told you to get ready.
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done.
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dr. Freeman: So, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while. What's up?
Charlie: Why does something have to be up? Can't I just drop by and say hello?
Dr. Freeman: For three hundred and fifty dollars an hour you can say anything you want
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Charlie.
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: I think I might be gay.
Charlie: What did you do, Alan?
Alan: Nothing, but I'm starting to put the pieces together.
Charlie: Which piece did you put where, Alan?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Greg [after kissing Alan]: Trust me, you're not gay.
Alan: Okay.
Greg: You seem disappointed.
Alan: I just...I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down.
Greg: Alan, it's okay to be straight
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support group cause you're a whiny little wuss
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.
Charlie: Really? Still?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Greg: So Charlie, I'm guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can, you bet the ponies.
Charlie: Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get them organized
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I just think variety is the spice of life. And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper, some like salt and pepper. Me, I like women!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: Greg knows I'm not gay.
Charlie: You sure? For 16 years he didn't know he was gay
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Greg: Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice.
Charlie: Don't get me started
 • Rating: Unrated

Greg: Charlie, you smoke cigars?
Charlie: I'd smoke rabbits if you could keep'em lit
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
Jake: Sure!
[Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it]
Jake: Mm
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Charlie: I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter.
Alan: He's not my boyfriend. We're friends.
Charlie: Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man wants to be friends with you, something is amiss
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Come on, Charlie. You gotta admit, you put out a special kind of vibe.
Charlie: You don't mean special. You mean special !
Alan: You're 40 years old, you've never been married, you play the piano, you are meticulous about your appearance...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that never touched a horse.
Alan: Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer, various hair gels, colognes, powders, and emollients
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: All right, let's scoot away from the Clinique Counter for a minute and discuss some of the people you've attracted.
Charlie: Ok, ok, you're thinking about that time at the House of Blues, and there's no way I could have known that was a guy!
Alan: He was 6'2" and could palm a medicine ball.
Charlie: I was drunk. He was tucked, taped and gorgeous!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Hey, Alan, your mom called. She gave me the news.
Alan: Oh, God!
Berta: Come here. I'm proud of ya, Zippy! The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion
 • Rating: Unrated

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