Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Fernando: Is the big one here?
Charlie: She went to get something waxed.
Alan: We were afraid to ask what

Jake: She brought soup!
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug. So she assumed it was bronchial. If you had been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Jake: And I bet they don't bring soup, either

Charlie: Okay, I'm leaving.
Jake: Bye.
Charlie: If you need anything, ask Berta.
Jake: Okay.
Charlie: She won't give it to you, but she enjoys being asked

Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?

Alan: Did you help him with his book report?
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: No.
Alan: Charlie, you said you'd help him.
Charlie: Well, you said you'd only be living here for a couple of weeks

Charlie: Just hide the money. Stick it into a shoe.
Jake: Right. What about if I wanna wear it?
Charlie: Then put it on another shoe.
Jake: But not of the same pair, right?
Charlie: Right

Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail

Charlie: What's going on?
Alan: Oh, I just have a friend over for my single-parent support group.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, unattached moms. I gotta check out that group.
Alan: You don't have a kid.
Charlie: Are they really strict about that?

Charlie: Berta. How long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working"

Jake: Can we watch the soccer game instead of basketball?
Charlie: What are you, nuts?
Jake: Sophie said soccer is the most popular game in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need us to watch it.

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute. I thought I told you to get ready.
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done.
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better

Dr. Freeman: So, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while. What's up?
Charlie: Why does something have to be up? Can't I just drop by and say hello?
Dr. Freeman: For three hundred and fifty dollars an hour you can say anything you want

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 224 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.