Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Myra: Thinking of chewing off your arm?
Charlie: What? No, no. Why would I do that?
Myra: I don't know. Maybe because you're not horny anymore and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend.
Charlie: You got all that from the twitching of my shoulder muscles?

Charlie: Normally, at this point in a relationship, I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.
Myra: For example?
Charlie: Well, that would depend on whether I'm trying to get rid of you for today or forever.
Myra: Let's say today.
Charlie: OK. Today I have to see my dermatologist about a little rash.
Myra: Oh, that's good. What about forever?
Charlie: Turns out it wasn't a rash, and they won't let me come home

Jake: Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?
Alan: Let it go, Goldilocks

Jake: And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?
Alan: I wasn't counting.
Jake: I was! Four.
Alan: Ok, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake: Well, that's your problem, stop topping off the tank

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo

Alan: When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?
Charlie: Hold on, that chick was nuts.
Alan: I lost everything!
Charlie: Well, to be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with

Jake: I'm her son.. she has to be proud of me.
Alan: You think so, huh? Have you met my mother?
Jake: Oh, yeah

Myra: And it's my first trip to L.A., so I want to do all the traditional stuff.
Charlie: Tomorrow we're going to sit in rush hour traffic and give other drivers the finger

Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta [on Charlie's relationship]

Charlie: So, drinking in the dark, eh?
Alan: Wasn't dark when I started

Charlie: You know something; I just realized that I'm two for two at Judith's weddings.
Myra: What a coincidence, I'm two for two at Herb's weddings

Okay, I'll tell him to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the Earth not to spin and you to stop nagging me.

Alan [talking about Charlie to Judith on the phone]
Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 224 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.