Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 4 Episode 14: "That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami"

Charlie: She works for me.
Alan: Well then, tell her when something is on the shopping list, she should shop for it.
Berta: I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him?
Alan: It's very simple. I've decided that I'm going to start drinking acidopholus milk. It promotes intestinal flora, which aids in healthy digestion. For three weeks I've been writing it on the shopping list. Yet, Berta insists on bringing home 2%.
Charlie: Slug him.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I just thought you two might hit it off. I'm even making a little welcome basket for you to give to her.
Alan: So, she's beautiful, rich and single. Why would she want me? I'm broke, middle-aged, twice-divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son.
Charlie: We're gonna need a bigger basket.
Berta: We're gonna need chloroform and a rope
 • Rating: Unrated

Danielle: Oh, no, how will I stay warm?
Charlie: I recommend the buddy system.
Danielle: You're cute.
Charlie: I know
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 13: "Don't Worry, Speed Racer"

Jake: He wants me to stay here tonight so he and mom can have sex.
Alan: Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason. Right, Herb?
Herb: No, that's pretty much it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Jake can hear you two in bed.
Judith: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Herb: He didn't hear that
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: He's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Herb: Truth is, I kind of like the instruction—takes out all the guess work.
Alan: Sure.
Herb: I tend to meander when I don't have game plan.
Alan: Yeah, well that's never a problem with Judith. She's the Vince Lombardi of sexual intercourse.
Herb: She did teach me to play through the pain.
Alan: Yeah. "Tape it up and get back in there!"
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: It's called a bait-and-switch, and it's a felony!
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you, taking a moral high ground, and with nary a bottle nor a whore in sight. Bravo
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [to Alan]: Let's not forget how I convinced you that mom's douche bag was your air supply
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I bought him two pies.
Judith: Why would you do that?
Alan: It seemed easier than explaining to him that his mother's fiancé is a sexual moron
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I'm still awake!
Judith: Happy?
Herb: I may never be happy again
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 12: "Castrating Sheep in Montana"

Evelyn: It's one thing to diddle the help, but another thing to dine with them.
Alan: Naomi's not the help.
Evelyn: Oh, forgive me. She's the maid's round-heeled daughter. I mean, I'd expect this from Charlie. He'd hump a grilled cheese sandwich.
Charlie: Thanks, Mom
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: I made all your favorites: scrambled egg whites; turkey bacon; rye toast, no butter; decaf coffee.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Berta: You eat like a 90-year-old man with stomach cancer, but I don't judge
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Can I get my ear pierced?
Alan: No.
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: You can't keep the holes you have clean
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Berta's in my bed.
Alan: Really? Couldn't you just pay her in cash this week?
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Well, you let me know if you need anything.
Alan: I will.
Berta: Ironing, groceries, I could lance that ear for you.
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I know what I'm doing. I spent a summer castrating sheep in Montana
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: You know it's tacky to arrive empty-handed. Perhaps we should stop and get a box of wine or some aerosol cheese.
Charlie: Whoa! Mom, you're on fire tonight!
Evelyn: It's the new meds. They mix well with liquor.
Alan: This was a bad idea.
Evelyn: Charlie, didn't you tell him that's the gay ear?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 4 Episode 11: "Walnuts and Demerol"

Charlie: Rose, this isn't a Christmas party!
Rose: Then what do you call this?
Charlie: The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "And then he turned the weapon on himself"
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith: Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancé.
Alan: Actually, the way I see it your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
Judith: Alan, I can make your life a living hell.
Alan: How would I know the difference
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Rose: Charlie found his boundary.
Berta: It's a miracle.
Rose: A Christmas miracle
 • Rating: Unrated

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