Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 9)

Season 4 Episode 7: "Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head"

Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Judith: What's that, honey?
Jake: If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins?
Judith: No.
Naomi: Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Excuse me, but you were the one who's constantly horny!
Judith: And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you?
Alan: Hey! When the bar is only open nine months a decade you drink 'til you puke! ...and then you keep drinking!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: You still have to go?
Charlie: Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate. Can't we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood, in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: They fired you for being pregnant?
Naomi: Yep! Being pregnant...and stealing a few office supplies.
Berta: Eight computers and a Xerox machine.
Naomi: Not all at once!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: So, you know what the baby is?
Naomi: Well, I'm hoping for human.
Alan: Uh, no, no. I meant boy or girl?
 • Rating: Unrated

Bertha: Come on here, zippy!
Alan [to Naomi]: Zippy is a name she calls me because I'm... quick! [to Berta]: What?!
Bertha: What do you think you are doing? I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility! I want her to make some money from a dignified job.
Alan: Oh, please, what dignity can a woman have from making laundry and cleaning toilets? ...I...I...I'll tell you what dignity! One really good one, the best there is. I take my hat off, and goodnight
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: Okay, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 6: "Apologies for the Frivolity"

Berta: Chose your words carefully, slim
Lydia: Slim? Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bobby: We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Charlie: Well, maybe you just didn't recognize her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: Alan, hi. So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie: I don't know what she's talking about...
Alan: I am going through a bit of a rough patch, but I try not to think about it too much.
Lydia: Well, good for you. I'd be suicidal.
Charlie: You hear that? You have options
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Come on Charlie. The only difference, between those two broads, is that you came out of one and you...
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lydia: If you were open to suggestions, it couldn't be better.
Charlie: Oh, really, and how could it have been better?
Lydia: Boo hoo, looks like I've pushed a button.
Charlie: Looks like I didn't.
Lydia: You can push an elevator button a hundred times, and it still won't come any faster.
Charlie: Fine, the next time I'll take the stairs
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: She might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: How many pieces of bacon are you going to eat?
Jake: My record's fourteen. I barfed, but it still counts
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: Evelyn Harper, I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: Wow, this is some house. If you ever decide to sell I want the listing.
Charlie: Well you'd have to kill my mom for it, so...sure
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia [about her kids]: I'm very careful about who I expose them to.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Lydia: Charlie, please.
Charlie: Why can't I expose myself to your kids? ... I mean why can't I meet your kids?
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: So, Lydia, what do you do? I mean, besides my son
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: So, what grade are you in?
Jake: Seventh.
Lydia: Well, don't you worry when the other kids make fun of you; you'll show 'em some day.
Jake: Nobody makes fun of me.
Lydia: You're kidding?
 • Rating: Unrated

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