Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution. I'll have to do you both


Charlie: Danielle—she's not right for you.
Alan: But you said she was perfect for me.
Charlie: I was wrong. She's sick and twisted; that makes her perfect for me

No woman ever came home from a date complaining that all she did was talk about herself


Berta: He's gotta go, Charlie.
Charlie: What am I gonna do, Berta? He's my brother.
Berta: We could make it look like an accident

Charlie: She works for me.
Alan: Well then, tell her when something is on the shopping list, she should shop for it.
Berta: I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him?
Alan: It's very simple. I've decided that I'm going to start drinking acidopholus milk. It promotes intestinal flora, which aids in healthy digestion. For three weeks I've been writing it on the shopping list. Yet, Berta insists on bringing home 2%.
Charlie: Slug him.

Charlie: I just thought you two might hit it off. I'm even making a little welcome basket for you to give to her.
Alan: So, she's beautiful, rich and single. Why would she want me? I'm broke, middle-aged, twice-divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son.
Charlie: We're gonna need a bigger basket.
Berta: We're gonna need chloroform and a rope

Danielle: Oh, no, how will I stay warm?
Charlie: I recommend the buddy system.
Danielle: You're cute.
Charlie: I know

Jake: He wants me to stay here tonight so he and mom can have sex.
Alan: Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason. Right, Herb?
Herb: No, that's pretty much it.

Alan: Jake can hear you two in bed.
Judith: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Herb: He didn't hear that

Alan: He's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field

Herb: Truth is, I kind of like the instruction—takes out all the guess work.
Alan: Sure.
Herb: I tend to meander when I don't have game plan.
Alan: Yeah, well that's never a problem with Judith. She's the Vince Lombardi of sexual intercourse.
Herb: She did teach me to play through the pain.
Alan: Yeah. "Tape it up and get back in there!"

Charlie: It's called a bait-and-switch, and it's a felony!
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you, taking a moral high ground, and with nary a bottle nor a whore in sight. Bravo

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
Jake: Sure!
[Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it]
Jake: Mm

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.