(describing Charlie's knick-knacks) The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters—add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants, you could open a T.G.I. Friday's!

Alan

Alan: What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that, too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: No, it was raining.

Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!

Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!

Teddy: Oh, great, now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.

Charlie: You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid, flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty. They brighten up the whole room.
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union!"

Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.

Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.

Linda: You are the best lover I have ever had.
Charlie: It's probably just the flawless technique and the big penis.

Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.

Charlie: You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
Linda: Oh, no, Charlie.
Charlie: I mean sure you can use me for sex, but God forbid we're out in public together.
Linda: That is not true.
Charlie: Let me remind you, it's the best sex you've ever had.
Linda: Oh, Charlie.
Charlie: Your words not mine.

Alan: Charlie, wake up! You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Well, then I don't need to see it.
Alan: Charlie, do you remember what you did last night?
Charlie: (looks at his tuxedo) Oh, damn it, did I get married?
Alan: Hardly. (shows Charlie the paper)
Charlie: Oh, you just know she's going to find some way to make this my fault.

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Alan: Right.
Charlie: It's just a rash.