Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
(describing Charlie's knick-knacks) The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters—add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants, you could open a T.G.I. Friday's!
Alan
Alan: What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that, too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: No, it was raining.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!
Teddy: Oh, great, now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
Charlie: You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid, flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty. They brighten up the whole room.
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union!"
Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.
Linda: You are the best lover I have ever had.
Charlie: It's probably just the flawless technique and the big penis.
Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.
Charlie: You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
Linda: Oh, no, Charlie.
Charlie: I mean sure you can use me for sex, but God forbid we're out in public together.
Linda: That is not true.
Charlie: Let me remind you, it's the best sex you've ever had.
Linda: Oh, Charlie.
Charlie: Your words not mine.
Alan: Charlie, wake up! You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Well, then I don't need to see it.
Alan: Charlie, do you remember what you did last night?
Charlie: (looks at his tuxedo) Oh, damn it, did I get married?
Alan: Hardly. (shows Charlie the paper)
Charlie: Oh, you just know she's going to find some way to make this my fault.