Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
Charlie: Hey.
Linda: What are you doing here?
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career. For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Well, yeah! Unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night, so my mother gave me what I assume was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
Alan: Pretty flowers.
Charlie: Thanks
Alan: Want to stick them in something?
Alan: So is there anything I should know about? Any side effects or anything?
Doctor: Well that's one of the purposes of the research. But in tests of this nature, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflammed gums...
Alan: Okay.
Doctor: ...Mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...
Alan: Wow!
Doctor: ...Boils, shingles, sudden fainting, and temporary darkening of the stool.
Alan: Good Lord! How much do you pay people to do this?
Doctor: A thousand dollars a week.
Alan: I'm in!
Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you're too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
Alan: Charlie, you can't depend on the kindness of the universe.
Charlie: I have to. I don't have an older brother to sponge off of.
Charlie: Hey Berta, look what I got.
Berta: Big deal, it's a freaking miracle you don't got ten of them.
Charlie: This is Linda's son, Brandon.
Brandon: I'm Brandon.
Berta: I got ears.
Charlie: I'm babysitting.
Berta: You?
Charlie Why not me?
Berta: You're a rum-soaked degenerate.
Charlie: Linda's spending time with her son tonight. Apparently, she's one of these single moms that puts her kid first.
Alan: The bitch!
Alan: Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both.
Berta
Charlie: Okay, the reason why men say hot girl at, like, 12 o'clock or 3 o'clock, is to specify a location using the clock face as a kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you wear a digital watch. Second of all, it doesn't matter; the clock face is imaginary.
Jake: Then how do you know what time you saw the girl?
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Jake: (about Charlie) Why is he dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
