Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men

Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.

Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

Charlie: As you can see, I've had a couple of mishaps.
Dr. Freeman: Well, except for the facial lacerations and the rectal donut... hardly noticable.

Alan: Is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question. Who would you rather be, you or me?
Alan: You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes, and you're perched on a scrotum cozy... You.

Alan: Berta, have you noticed anything different about Charlie lately?
Berta: What do you mean?
Alan: Well, he's always been promiscuous, but I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.

Mia: Charlie, what are you doing here?
Charlie: I came to get you back.
Mia: Are you out of your mind?
Charlie: Well... I got the idea from my shrink.

Charlie: I learned why I screw around so much.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: Yup... I think I've spent my whole life trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...
Alan: ...filling the empty space in others?

Charlie: Just remember I'm doing you a favor. Don't forget it in a few years when I ask you to change my diaper.
Jake: Okay. Wait, what?

Jake: Want some cake?
Milly: I don't eat sugar.
Jake: Oh, yeah, me neither, unless it's in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.

Jake: You and me are having dinner with them on Friday so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me?
Jake: Just don't clock block me, okay?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?

Alan: It's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute, and all of the sudden you show up at the front door?
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 171 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Alan: Right.
Charlie: It's just a rash.

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