Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 5 Episode 11: "Meander to Your Dander"

Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and on my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 10: "Kinda Like Necrophilia"

Alan: I loved Charity Kirschenbaum and you stole her right out from under me!
Berta: He's speaking metaphorically, right?
Charlie: Yeah... he was never on top of that.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I really shouldn't be giving [Jake] advice that will help him reproduce.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: (on why Jake got dumped) Maybe she found somebody better.
Alan: What? Who's better than Jake?
Charlie: Why, no one, Alan! He's the pinnacle of male evolution.
Jake: Thank you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Judith: Hey, honey, how was your weekend?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius.
Judith [to Alan]: I thought you talked to him.
Alan: I did!
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie the genius?
Alan: Because he never got married.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: So, how's school?
Jake: Okay.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh. Okay, go ahead.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan?
[Alan glares]
Charlie: Sorry, I should've "eased into it."
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [about Jake]: What's the matter with him?
Judith: His little girlfriend broke up with him.
Alan: Oh, no.
Judith: Yeah, I was hoping you could talk to him, because, let's face it, who knows more about getting dumped?
Alan: You don't have to flatter me, Judith. I'll talk to him.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Did I hear Numbnuts come in?
Alan: "Numbnuts?"
Charlie: Oh, sorry. Numbnuts Junior.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: (Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit) Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: (referring to his French one night stand) Alan, I just took the Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 9: "Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids"

Alan: (To Charlie and Jake) Stop it, the both of you! There will be no puking. We are going to stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a little bit, and then I am going to fake a migraine.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I spent 12 years of my life watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
Charlie: I'd go with the migraine.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: (Referring to Courtney) So Teddy, what's the deal? All this time you've been hiding this beautiful woman from us.
Teddy: Only from you, Charlie.
 • Rating: Unrated

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else.
 • Rating: Unrated

Courtney: Well, Evelyn, you know what the say about assuming. When you assume, you're just a bitch.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [on the phone with Courtney]: Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that you were planning on using a fake migraine to get out early. So what did you do? Ooh, menstrual cramps. Yeah, I can't get away with that. Although sometimes I'll use irritable bowl syndrome.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: (To Courtney) I guess I could come by and take a peek at it.
Berta: First a peek, then a poke.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?
 • Rating: Unrated

Courtney: Right now it's all wet, soapy, just waiting for you.
Charlie: Are we still talking about a car?
Courtney: What do you think?
Charlie: I think I should probably get out before I set off the airbag.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: How come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy.
 • Rating: Unrated

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