Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

Alan: (talking about Milly's mom) She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no freaking idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is, the grandmother of my children.

Jake: (talking about "getting his ducks in a row" before the date) What was that thing about ducks?
Charlie: It's just an expression.
Jake: Well, it's confusing.
Charlie: Sorry.
Jake: You can't get them in a row...
Charlie: I know. I know. Now, just listen to me.
Jake: ...they're ducks. They move willy-nilly.

Alan: So, did you make the call?
Charlie: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots, and a full-length fur coat.
Alan: If anyone can pull it off, it's you.

Berta: So, Zippy's getting a hooker?
Charlie: It would appear so.
Berta: Talk about earning your money.

(to Charlie) I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Alan

Alan: Where did you get that?
Jake: I found it on the table.
Alan: Oh, Jake...
Jake: It's okay, I'm eating on the side without the teeth marks.
Charlie: Puberty, my ass. That's a missing chromosome.

Cynthia: Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake: It's called puberty.
Charlie: It's called donuts.
Jake [looking down at his crotch]: Donuts don't make hair.

Charlie: How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
Herb: Well... I like a full bush, the way God intended.
Charlie: I like them trimmed.

Rose: I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Charlie: Rose, I thought you were in England.
Rose: I was asked to leave.

Jake: Do you really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and then you pick me up when we're done.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 171 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Alan: Right.
Charlie: It's just a rash.

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