Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and on my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.
Charlie
Alan: I loved Charity Kirschenbaum and you stole her right out from under me!
Berta: He's speaking metaphorically, right?
Charlie: Yeah... he was never on top of that.
I really shouldn't be giving [Jake] advice that will help him reproduce.
Charlie
Charlie: (on why Jake got dumped) Maybe she found somebody better.
Alan: What? Who's better than Jake?
Charlie: Why, no one, Alan! He's the pinnacle of male evolution.
Jake: Thank you.
Judith: Hey, honey, how was your weekend?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius.
Judith [to Alan]: I thought you talked to him.
Alan: I did!
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie the genius?
Alan: Because he never got married.
Alan: So, how's school?
Jake: Okay.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh. Okay, go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan?
[Alan glares]
Charlie: Sorry, I should've "eased into it."
Alan [about Jake]: What's the matter with him?
Judith: His little girlfriend broke up with him.
Alan: Oh, no.
Judith: Yeah, I was hoping you could talk to him, because, let's face it, who knows more about getting dumped?
Alan: You don't have to flatter me, Judith. I'll talk to him.
Charlie: Did I hear Numbnuts come in?
Alan: "Numbnuts?"
Charlie: Oh, sorry. Numbnuts Junior.
Alan: (Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit) Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: (referring to his French one night stand) Alan, I just took the Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
(To Charlie and Jake) Stop it, the both of you! There will be no puking. We are going to stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a little bit, and then I am going to fake a migraine.
Alan
Alan: I spent 12 years of my life watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
Charlie: I'd go with the migraine.
