Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 5 Episode 7: "The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room"

Jake: Fruit? That's all you got, fruit?
Evelyn: Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?
Jake: Well, yeah, Frankenberries.
Evelyn: Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming I would have stocked up on crap.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch. No one's welcome here!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Stop going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Stop being so cheap and we'll talk about it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Wait till he tries on the underwear I bought for him.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: What's that?
Alan: A decorative bowl. I thought it would be perfect to keep our keys in.
Charlie: Well, I don't like it. Take it back.
Alan: But it was on sale.
Charlie: I don't care if you got it free with a subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Decor? You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random crapola.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (describing Charlie's knick-knacks) The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters—add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants, you could open a T.G.I. Friday's!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that, too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: No, it was raining.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!
 • Rating: Unrated

Teddy: Oh, great, now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid, flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty. They brighten up the whole room.
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union!"
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 6: "Help Daddy Find His Toenail"

Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: You are the best lover I have ever had.
Charlie: It's probably just the flawless technique and the big penis.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
Linda: Oh, no, Charlie.
Charlie: I mean sure you can use me for sex, but God forbid we're out in public together.
Linda: That is not true.
Charlie: Let me remind you, it's the best sex you've ever had.
Linda: Oh, Charlie.
Charlie: Your words not mine.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Charlie, wake up! You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Well, then I don't need to see it.
Alan: Charlie, do you remember what you did last night?
Charlie: (looks at his tuxedo) Oh, damn it, did I get married?
Alan: Hardly. (shows Charlie the paper)
Charlie: Oh, you just know she's going to find some way to make this my fault.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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