Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 6 Episode 3: "Damn You, Eggs Benedict"

Alan: I intend to give my rose to Bachelorette #2.
Charlie: Only you could gay up banging two women.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 2: "Pie Hole, Herb"

(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 1: "Taterhead Is Our Love Child"

Alan: (on condoms not being 100% effective) Haven't you read the package?
Charlie: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: (on Jake's texting) Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill, and peeing is not.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

(talking about condoms)
Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!
 • Rating: Unrated

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