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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!

Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.

Charlie: (on Jake's texting) Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill, and peeing is not.

Alan: (on condoms not being 100% effective) Haven't you read the package?
Charlie: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.

Chelsea: So you could see yourself having kids one day?
Charlie: I don't see why not. It turns out I like babies and, as you know, I'm a long time fan of intercourse

Herb: Slipping in Judith's amniotic fluids. This will be funny one day
Charlie: It's pretty funny right now, Herb

Charlie: Alan, smack your kid for me
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me

Charlie: Thanks for being such a good friend to Chelsea
Alan: You don't have to thank me. I like her and we have a lot in common
Charlie: Yeah, whatever. Just keep it up and I'll try and do the same

Berta [about Alan and Chelsea becoming friends]: This is the perfect set up for you
Charlie: How do you figure?
Berta: Do you like to go shopping?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to watch chick flicks?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to talk for hours about your feelings?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Zippy do
Charlie: Oh right...
Berta: He digs the trench, you lay the pipe

Charlie: Please tell me that's one of those zen sand gardens
Chelsea: You know very well that's Sir lancelot's litter box
Charlie: You brought the cat?
Chelsea: Of course I brought the cat. What did you think I was going to do with him?
Charlie: I don't know, return him to the wild?
Chelsea: You're being ridiculous
Charlie: Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?

Berta: Okay you and me need to talk
Charlie: I know I know. you didn't sign up for this. You work for me, not for her, and it's bad enough you have to put up with zippy and the chip
Berta: No, I like her better than you so for now on I'm working for her
Charlie: What?
Berta: You need something? You ask her, she talks to me, we decide
Charlie: I don't get vote?
Berta: Yeah, you get a vote. One vote our of three. Good luck with that

Chelsea: I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and we're not living together
Charlie: Well excuse me for being old fashioned. I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No no, it's not the sin I object to, it's the living in it

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 70 in total

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Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes

Chelsea: What are you doing?
Charlie: You know what happens when we spoon
Chelsea: I'm sick!
Charlie: So am I!

You know when dogs are sick they hide until they feel better.. probably why they're man's best friend

Charlie
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