Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 7 Episode 10: "That's Why They Call It Ball Room"

Charlie: How old do kids have to be before it's legal to punch them?
Chelsea: Come on, you'd never hit Jake.
Charlie: That's exactly what I want you to tell child services.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You'll have to back off a half step, there's no groin contact in ball room dancing.
Charlie: Huh, I wonder if that's why they call it ball... room.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Dance with me.
Charlie: Are you out of your mind?
Alan: I just want to give you a few tips.
Charlie: Keep your tip away from me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Did you have to grovel?
Charlie: Like a leper as a kissing booth.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 7 Episode 9: "Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair"

Chelsea: You do realize jake just snuck out of the house...
Charlie: He's grounded, how else is he supposed to leave?
 • Rating: 2.7 / 5.0

Charlie: I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart stuck in my foot.
Chelsea: Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie: No. Having sex right over the hedge across from where the kids were playing lawn darts was crazy.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I don't know how to tell you this, but your bangs are dripping down your face.
Alan: Little lesson for you. There's two things you never wanted to buy on the cheap: canned hair and condoms.
Charlie: I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
Alan: No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken marsala the evening was pretty well shot.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Do I have to remind you of the Japanese penis enlargement system you own?
Alan: That's not what caused the rupture.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Charlie: Like Propecia?
Alan: Better. It's from eastern Europe where they don't have to worry about all those pesky FDA regulations.
Charlie: There's a monkey on the label.
Alan: It's not a monkey, it's the inventor.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Charlie: This is the beginning of the end. First our sex life goes to hell. Then we start eating dinner at 4:30, watching reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, then at nine o'clock, we pee, shake hands and go to sleep.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: So you're gonna spend the rest of your life spraying your head like it's a freeway underpass?
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Clean underwear?
Jake: Cleanish.
Charlie: Not good enough. With underwear there's no grey area.
Jake: Don't worry, it's not grey.
Charlie: Anything but white is unacceptable.
Jake: In that case, then I better change.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: You usually grab my ass like you're holding a tree trunk in a hurricane. This time it was more like you were palming a couple cantaloupe at the supermarket.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner.
Jake: I am, but I thought if I eat first I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick.
Berta: Good idea, then you'll have the whole rest of the night to make her sick.
Jake: Exactly. Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 7 Episode 8: "Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle."

Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [to Alan]: What do you have going on today? You going to play a little tennis in 1958?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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