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Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth.
- Permalink: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems. Like...
Alan: That guy is everything you're not.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Alan: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't tumble through life stinking of whsikey and KY jelly.
Charlie: Hey, KY jelly is odorless.
Alan: Not where you put it.
- Permalink: That guy is everything you're not. What's that mean? He like...
Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is sixty days alone in a room with no friends, how's that different from two months squatting in your brother's house?Evelyn
- Permalink: Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we...
Evelyn: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are talking about if you just roll over.
Alan: I don't want to go to jail.
Charlie: And if he does, he's certainly going to want to roll over.
Evelyn: Charles, that was crude and uncalled for.
- Permalink: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jai...
Alan: Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell.
Charlie: You shouldn't have peed yourself.
- Permalink: Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell. Yo...
Louanne: So have you done the internet dating thing before?
Alan: All the time and if you're interested I know a couple tricks to weed out the losers.
Louanne: I'm very interested.
- Permalink: So have you done the internet dating thing before? All the tim...
Tom: Hey Charlie, when we drove in I noticed a tavern down the road. What do you say we go have a drink and get to know each other a little better?
Charlie: Sure, I guess, but if you're on the fence about me right now, I don't think alcohol is going to improve my chances.
- Permalink: Hey Charlie, when we drove in I noticed a tavern down the road. ...
Chelsea [after colonoscopy]: How you feeling?
Charlie: Like a new fish at Leavenworth.
Chelsea: Don't be so dramatic. Good news is you have a clean bill of health.
Charlie: Yes, but I lost my water tight seal.
Chelsea: Yes, but you have peace of mind.
Charlie: Yes, but now I can't wear white at our wedding.
- Permalink: How you feeling? Like a new fish at Leavenworth. Don't be so...
Charlie: I'm out of baby wipes.
Chelsea: I bought you two boxes of baby wipes.
Charlie: What can I tell you, babies don't crap like this. At least not healthy babies.
- Permalink: I'm out of baby wipes. I bought you two boxes of baby wipes. ...
Alan: Okay let me see if I got this straight: in order to not spend time with your fiance's parents, you're going to let a doctor snake a camera up your kiester?
Charlie: I'd be willing to let them shoot an IMAX feature.
- Permalink: In order to not spend time with your fiance's parents, you're go...
Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.
- Permalink: I miss Celeste. I miss Chelsea. I miss Herb... I mean... I m...
Jake: I think she was the one.
Charlie: The one what?
Jake: The one that I thought was pretty and liked me and was gonna maybe let me do stuff to her one day.
- Permalink: I think she was the one. The one what? The one that I though...