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Charlie: I'd never cone on to another guy's fiancee.
Alan: First of all, we don't know he was coming on to Chelsea and secondly I've seen you hit on a bride as she walked down the aisle.
Charlie: It was a joke. I asked her what she was doing later, everyone laughed.

Jake: We wouldn't have these problems if you put a TV in my room.
Charlie: We wouldn't have these problems if we put a python in your room.
Jake: Touche, douche.

Alan: Well done. You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love. You took the high road.
Charlie: Really, is that what you call it? Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles.
Alan: If you've done it as much as I have, you'd call it the high road.

Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth.

Alan: That guy is everything you're not.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Alan: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't tumble through life stinking of whsikey and KY jelly.
Charlie: Hey, KY jelly is odorless.
Alan: Not where you put it.

Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is sixty days alone in a room with no friends, how's that different from two months squatting in your brother's house?


Evelyn: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are talking about if you just roll over.
Alan: I don't want to go to jail.
Charlie: And if he does, he's certainly going to want to roll over.
Evelyn: Charles, that was crude and uncalled for.

Alan: Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell.
Charlie: You shouldn't have peed yourself.

Louanne: So have you done the internet dating thing before?
Alan: All the time and if you're interested I know a couple tricks to weed out the losers.
Louanne: I'm very interested.

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