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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: It was like I was in a dream and my hands belonged to someone else.
Charlie: I have that one all the time. Except in mine, the hands do belong to someone else.

Diamonds get you skull in the backseat of a limo. Pottery Barny won't get you dry humped in the back of a city bus.

Charlie

Berta: I also found a half written suicide note in your brother's handwriting. Should I be nervous?
Charlie: You mean that he won't get through with it?

Alan: You're a very lucky guy, Charlie.
Charlie: I ran through a plate glass window and you puked in my piano. How is that lucky?
Alan: You could have bleed to death. I could vomited on my shoes.
Charlie: Those are my shoes.
Alan: Which is why you're lucky.

Alan: I just wanted to say, "I'm always here for you."
Charlie: Never doubted that.
Alan: Thank you.
Charlie: Wasn't a compliment.

Courtney: Are my boobs even?
Alan: Even what?
Courtney: I just want to make sure one's not popping out more than the other one.
Alan: No, no. They're both just popping ... fine.

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.

Charlie: The good news is that we're both really clean.
Courtney: Inside and out. Shall we go upstairs and get dirty again?
Charlie: I'm right behind you.
Courtney: What else is new?

Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Alan: Red or black?
Charlie: Double zero.
Alan: What color is that?
Charlie: Ass cheeks.

I've been looking forward to this all year... giving you guys the bird.

Berta

Alan: Is that a votive candle?
Charlie: Yep. She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.
Alan: Oh, please.
Charlie: No, no. It's working. This morning, soft, firm easy peasy.

Jake: Uncle Charlie in there?
Berta: Yep.
Jake: Drunk?
Berta: Hammered.
Jake: You clean him out?
Berta: Would I do that to my little buddy?

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 130 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: Think it through Alan, for what possible activity would I need my pants off an my shoes on?
Alan: I dunno, chasing a reluctant hooker?
Charlie: Can't rule it out.

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