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Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten" and I decided I had to go to college.
Alan: You expect me to pay $30,000-$40,000 a year so you can meet drunk girls who will lift their shirts?
Jake: Yes, please.

Alan: Charlie, do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?
Charlie: That's not me. It's genetics and barber school haircuts.

Courtney: Charlie, you shouldn't have!
Charlie: Well, you've done a lot of things for me you shouldn't have.

Alan: It was like I was in a dream and my hands belonged to someone else.
Charlie: I have that one all the time. Except in mine, the hands do belong to someone else.

Diamonds get you skull in the backseat of a limo. Pottery Barny won't get you dry humped in the back of a city bus.

Charlie

Berta: I also found a half written suicide note in your brother's handwriting. Should I be nervous?
Charlie: You mean that he won't get through with it?

Alan: You're a very lucky guy, Charlie.
Charlie: I ran through a plate glass window and you puked in my piano. How is that lucky?
Alan: You could have bleed to death. I could vomited on my shoes.
Charlie: Those are my shoes.
Alan: Which is why you're lucky.

Alan: I just wanted to say, "I'm always here for you."
Charlie: Never doubted that.
Alan: Thank you.
Charlie: Wasn't a compliment.

Courtney: Are my boobs even?
Alan: Even what?
Courtney: I just want to make sure one's not popping out more than the other one.
Alan: No, no. They're both just popping ... fine.

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