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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Here you go.
Walden: I gotta ask, what's with the tea? You make it for me, you make it for Lyndsey
Alan: I got a little philosophy, when someone is nice enough to let me into their home or their pants, I like to show my appreciation.
Walden: Without spending any money
Alan: You know me so well.

Alan: You gotta be excited about having your girlfriend back. What has been like a month?
Walden: Three weeks.
Alan: Still that is like a decade in penis years.

Evelyn: Alan, you know I don't like old people.
Alan: I do know, you will like her, she is young at heart like you.
Evelyn: I am young everywhere, all parts. What I have not replaced, I have tightened, bleached or trimmed.

Jean: It was a nice movie, if you are into pornography.
Alan: I saw it, and it was not pornography.
Jean: Well, It was not Mary Poppins.

Eldridge: Hell yeah, she is hot.
Jake: It is not about how hot she is.
Walden: Well, thank you Jake.
Jake: It is about whether she stays hot.

Walden: Where is your Dad?
Jake: He is out with his mom.
Eldridge: They are picking up my grandma up at the International House of Old People.
Jake: IHOOP.

Billy: You look good without the beard.
Walden: You look good without the crack pipe.

Alan: What are you doing?
Walden: Playing a racing game.
Alan: That's funny, after my divorce, I played World of War Craft for a while, hoping to meet girls.
Walden: Did you meet any?
Alan: Let just say, if you are lonely and drunk enough, everyone is a girl.

Alan: Seriously, if you don't believe me, throw me a couple of mil, and get ready for a tongue bath
Walden: I doubt that will be necessary.
Alan: I am not just talking metaphorically; I will lick you from head to toe.

Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.

Jake: How old are you?
Jennifer: 24, and you?
Jake: Twenty-four and a half.

Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 78 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan [to urn]
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