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Two-and-a-half-men

Lyndsey: The guest toilet is broken; I want you to fix it.
Alan: Are we role playing? I am the naughty plumber here to snake your drain.
Lyndsey: No, you are the loving boyfriend, here to fix my toilet.

You know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live came to live in this house for a few days, maybe you've met him, and he is the pot-soaked, masturbating, couch-eating potato who eats all your cookies.

Berta

My point being, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I want a fully-funded 401K and a Camaro.

Berta

Alan: Here you go.
Walden: I gotta ask, what's with the tea? You make it for me, you make it for Lyndsey
Alan: I got a little philosophy, when someone is nice enough to let me into their home or their pants, I like to show my appreciation.
Walden: Without spending any money
Alan: You know me so well.

Alan: You gotta be excited about having your girlfriend back. What has been like a month?
Walden: Three weeks.
Alan: Still that is like a decade in penis years.

Evelyn: Alan, you know I don't like old people.
Alan: I do know, you will like her, she is young at heart like you.
Evelyn: I am young everywhere, all parts. What I have not replaced, I have tightened, bleached or trimmed.

Jean: It was a nice movie, if you are into pornography.
Alan: I saw it, and it was not pornography.
Jean: Well, It was not Mary Poppins.

Eldridge: Hell yeah, she is hot.
Jake: It is not about how hot she is.
Walden: Well, thank you Jake.
Jake: It is about whether she stays hot.

Walden: Where is your Dad?
Jake: He is out with his mom.
Eldridge: They are picking up my grandma up at the International House of Old People.
Jake: IHOOP.

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