Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 9 Episode 18: "The War Against Gingivitis"

Alan: Seriously, if you don't believe me, throw me a couple of mil, and get ready for a tongue bath
Walden: I doubt that will be necessary.
Alan: I am not just talking metaphorically; I will lick you from head to toe.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 17: "Not In My Mouth"

Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: How old are you?
Jennifer: 24, and you?
Jake: Twenty-four and a half.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 16: "Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy"

Zoey: Interesting, I can imagine you as a drunken Sodomite, never imagining you for liking poetry.
Lyndsey: Oh no, I really do, here is a poem you might appreciate:
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I am nice person
And you can bite my pale, unrefined ass.
Zoey: A lady does not bite; she will however make you wear that ass as a bonnet.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lyndsey: I am not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours.
Zoey: Well, Opera is not for everyone, to appreciate it requires a refined taste and certain amount of education.
 • Rating: Unrated

Zoey: I slept like a baby.
Lyndsey: Hope you did not wet the bed.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Walden: A guy in a leotard and a skirt realized he chopped off his own brother's head off. That is heartbreaking.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 9 Episode 13: "A Possum on Chemo"

Lyndsey: There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 12: "Slowly and in a Circular Fashion"

Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 9: "A Fishbowl Full Of Glass Eyes"

Alan: I haven't had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I can't possibly produce enough sperm or blood to get myself out of the hole i'm in.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: Your son makes one heck of a wingman.
Jake: You make it easy boss.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

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