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Zoey: I slept like a baby.
Lyndsey: Hope you did not wet the bed.

That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.


Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.


A guy in a leotard and a skirt realized he chopped off his own brother's head off. That is heartbreaking.


There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.


When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.


I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.


Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.

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