Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 9 Episode 6: "The Squat and Hover"

Walden: If I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one would be full?
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 5: "Giant Cat Holding Churro"

Alan: I may love broadway musicals, and have a keen eye for fashion, but that's where it ends.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lyndsey: You feel like an idiot? That casting agent said he could get me on Melrose Place.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Alcohol is just a bandage for the problem. I know this because I used to live with the mummy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lyndsey: I'm so full it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon.
Alan: Can we please not call it a pin?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 3: "Big Girls Don't Throw Dog Food"

Alan: The only reason to wear a hat on a date is to cover a bald spot.
Walden: Here you go, for your next date.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: How do I look?
Alan: Your face should be on gay money.
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Alan: Remember, at grandma's we have to pee while sitting down so you don't get splatter anywhere.
Jake: I'll manage and that's how you pee anyway.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: This guy is like genital herpes. once you got him, you get him for life.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 2: "People Who Love Peepholes"

Alan: Then we went skinny dipping. Who's idea was that?
Berta: Mine.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Walden: I think we're naked.
Alan: You can ignore what's going on down there, it's morning reflex.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Alan: Begging never gets you anywhere. I say this having spent more time on my knees than any straight man in America.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: When i was in high school, I was dating a poster of Molly Ringwald.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You're young, you're rich, you got a face that gives women an erection.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 1: "Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt"

Alan: Ooh package, how exciting. What could it be?
Delivery Guy: It's from a crematorium so that kind of narrows it down.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [to urn]: Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

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