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Two-and-a-half-men

Zoey: I slept like a baby.
Lyndsey: Hope you did not wet the bed.

That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.

Alan

Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.

Alan

A guy in a leotard and a skirt realized he chopped off his own brother's head off. That is heartbreaking.

Walden

There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.

Lyndsey

When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.

Alan

I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.

Alan

Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.

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